TMCG: MYH is KHV

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I am not sure if the latest episode of Curious George is empowering for women, or humiliating for men.

Porque no los dos?

I fully expect to see MYH posting on /r9k/ this very evening, two-fisting Code Reds and weeping into a bag of spicy Cheetos. Normies beware—there is a deep sadness in the Man in the Yellow Hat, a higher loneliness, the kind of desperate self-loathing that accelerates the emergence of the Reticulated American Douchebag, compels him to join with his kind in the friendzone, and there recite together a kaddish for the pisghetti that flowed from their pockets.

The Yellow Hat is not a fedora, but it is close enough.

Bless Dr. Wiseman. She has no idea what has been wrought. She is a good, kind, intelligent woman who no doubt finds MYH both capable and charming in a dorky sort of way. He is helpful. He is kind to animals. He has the patience of Garrison Keillor munching Quaaludes while attempting to translate the Voynich Manuscript into Yankee Lutheran.

But he is not her type, alas.

MYH and Curious George visited Dr. Wiseman at the museum. She was answering phones and stacking papers and basically being a whirling dervish of a competent professor. MYH saw his chance. He screwed his courage to the sticking place and said, “Dr. Wiseman, you need to relax. Wanna come with George and me and do something relaxing on Saturday?”

Perfect opening gambit. It’s a group thing, no weird “just you and me” schtick. I could see it in his eyes. He had been hoping for this moment for months.

She accepted! Oh frabjous day! Caillou! Callay!

MYH and Curious George went back to the apartment to plan the…date? Was it a date? Why, yes, I do believe it might be a date! No George, she won’t want to jumprope.

A picnic seems like a great idea, despite the horrible fake etymology the internet has bestowed on the word.

And so it came to pass that MYH, Dr. Wiseman and Curious George had a picnic in the park. Dr. Wiseman was wearing jeans. She said she had been practicing reclining at a 45 degree angle, which was the most relaxing angle. In short, she made herself absolutely nerd-adorable without even trying. Just so awkwardly cute. Waifu material. They shared a brief, giggly moment.

Then the day imploded. MYH cannot be trusted with himself. As an aside, I know this feel. I know how it is to love with pock-marked teenage ardor the achingly desirable girl who does not even know how desirable she is. I also know how it feels to f*ck it up in a way I had heretofore believed to be unpossible, by out-dorking even the dorkiest of dorks.

“Dr. Wiseman, you want a pickle? They are very relaxing.”

(Freud)

Dr. Wiseman DID want a pickle, one of the big ones, but MYH could not get the jar open. Neither could Curious George, though I suspect he was only pretending he couldn’t open it in order to be a good wingman to MYH and not embarrass him. Wiseman helps George open the jar, and he accidentally dumps all the pickles all over MYH.

“Well,” MYH says, “maybe pickles aren’t THAT relaxing.”

MYH’s next attempt is a hammock. Yes, a hammock strung between two trees in the park. He suggests that she should lay in it. But he doesn’t want to be creepy, so he doesn’t say they should lie in it together. He does not tell George to go away. Again I see the gears turning—how to convince Dr. Wiseman to lay in the hammock without sounding geeky, weird, or desperate.

But then he says—I sh*t you not—

“What could be more relaxing than hanging from a tree?”

ohshitoshitdudewhatareyouDOING?

Yes. He did that. George scrambles up the tree and hangs by his feet to show Dr. Wiseman what MYH was TRYING to say and oh my God I didn’t mean it like that dear Lord just let the ground swallow me up.

The hammock swallows him up instead, and then Dr. Wiseman picks up a baseball bat. She says she will help get him out of the hammock. MYH laughs nervously and asks if she will get him out like she gets candy out of a piñata.

For that is what he deserves.

But no, she uses the bat to lever the strings apart. Dare MYH hope that things will now improve?

No. The damage is done. Dr. Wiseman says she has to go soon.

MYH panics. He starts blubbering about how she needs to relax and they’ve been there all day and she’s had to do stuff for them and has not been RELAXING. Um, let’s feed the ducks, Dr. Wiseman, wanna feed the ducks?

George does, but somehow, in the midst of duck-feeding, MYH’s yellow hat ends up in the middle of the pond.

His essence. That which makes him, him. Dr. Wiseman fashions a hook and line out of a paperclip and some yarn, but cannot retrieve the hat.

“We need more weight,” says Dr. Wiseman. This phrase destroyed MYH as easily as it did Giles Corey, but in this case a little more Freudian symbolism was called for.

Dr. Wiseman looks around for something with which to weight the makeshift hook. She discovers a small pickle in MYH’s pocket, pulls it out, snaps it in half, and uses one half to weight the hook.

The hat is now retrieved.

Dr. Wiseman says not to worry—the day was relaxing after all. MYH says he’s going home to take a nap.

But he won’t be napping.

 

-Professor Zac Showers

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The Sea Nymphs Secret

 

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In red is the route that they took, probably. The thick black circle is where they were “rescued”. and the thin black line is the route from the Hawaiian islands to Tahiti. Source: My iPhone.

If you haven’t heard about this story yet I’ll give you the rundown; 2 Women, Jennifer Appel & Tasha Fuiava, Left Hawaii in May for a 2,600-mile trip to Tahiti in their 50-ft. sail boat named “Sea Nymph”. They were rescued by the Navy the other day, 5 months later, 900 miles off the coast of Japan and 5,000 miles from Tahiti. During their journey the two claimed to have endured 3 major storms, 2 attacks from groups of tiger sharks, and lost function of their motor and normal radio communications. Pictured below are the women, pictured above is a rough diagram of the trip they made.

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Now you might be saying to yourself, “What a harrowing adventure! The grit and determination of these two ladies is noteworthy and I’m so glad that they made it out alive!”. Well I’m saying, “Lemme ponder the many variations of what actually happened because I am bored, and this story seems fishy” (if you’ll pardon the pun).

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First, I’ll give you a breakdown of what I think these women look like. Jennifer Appel looks like if Carrot Top and Willem Dafoe had a child and that child decided to compete on the TV show Survivor. Tasha Fuiava looks like Queen Latifah with a hangover. Although I don’t actually know the nature of their relationship, I would assume because of their appearance and mannerisms in the video (  click here for video  ) of them thanking the Navy, Tasha & Jennifer are familiar with The Game of Flats together in a romantic way. They also had two dogs aboard the boat named Zeus and Valentine, not relevant but cool dog names.

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Initially when they were interviewed about being lost at sea, they said that it was “hopeless and depressing” and on many occasions during the 5 months thought they would die saying, “…there is true humility to wondering if this is your last day or night…”. After further questioning by the Coast Guard and many media affiliates they changed their story stating, “…we never truly felt distressed…” when asked why they did not use their Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon. Take it away Aretha.

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The women also said that within the first few days at sea, they were met by a fierce storm responsible for most of the issues with the vessel. Which was proved false by the NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE. Yeah, that loud annoying voice that comes on cable television when inclement weather is present, rendering the dialog of your show unintelligible and spiking your heart rate from the volume and alarm of the notification, even though you can clearly see the weather outside and it’s been like this for 2 hours. I imagine that they might know what they’re talking about.

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The Coast Guard may be the inferior branch of The United States Military, wishing it was more like its flamboyant sister branch, The Navy, but it was key in exposing these women for the frauds they are. A modern day “Deepthroat” some are saying (if you’ll pardon the pun). In June, after they claimed to have their radio communications wiped out by the ghost storm, Coast Guard officials contacted the Sea Nymph near Tahiti and records show that our heroic females stated they were A-Okay. Our sea women claimed to have left detailed plans and an itinerary with friends and family of the trip after they meticulously mapped it out. Coast Guard comes back with another slam dunk releasing a statement saying the women, by their own admission, told no one about the trip.

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Other than Discovery Channels Shark Week and Sponge Bob Square Pants, I have no knowledge on sharks or the sea but my dude, George Burgess (the director emeritus of the Florida Program for Shark Research at the Florida Museum of Natural History) is for sure at least familiar with sharks and stuff. Ole Jen stated that on two separate occasions while stranded that they were vetted, stalked, and attacked by tiger sharks. She said that five 30-foot tiger sharks coordinated an attack, “ramming” their boat and slapping it with their tails, to teach two other smaller sharks in the water how to hunt. All of which lasted for 6 hours.

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Confirmed by our man George, those were all fabrications. “It sounds like something a 4-year-old would tell you,” he said. “No. No, no and no and no. There’s not an iota of accuracy relative to our knowledge of the tiger shark in any of that.” Tiger sharks are not social, do not teach their young in that way and have never been known to grow that large, he said. When asked, Mr. Burgess added that it was also unlikely that the women were describing another type of shark. “The only one that fits that pattern was the star of the movie ‘Jaws,’” he said. My boy George with the BURN. Comparing their story to the tall tales of 4-year-olds AND referencing Jaws… Man, what a hero.

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Questions & statements I have for these women after reading all the news stories and watching random videos of them talking:

  1. The fact that they didn’t pack toothbrushes for a 2,600-mile trip at sea is not only questionable but deserves a punishment of life in prison.
  2. Why is Jennifer not more sunburnt? You would think after 5 months on the sea with the sun reflecting off the ocean that she would be all red like a strawbrary.
  3. Jennifer said in a video that she was surprised by the Navy’s performance in a foreign situation. THAT IS WHAT THE NAVY DOES LADY NOTHING ABOUT THAT SITUATION WAS FOREIGN TO THE NAVY.
  4. Were the pink Crocs yours or given to you by the Navy? Because the Navy issuing PINK Crocs would make sense. Respect for the brand, a big ole NOPE for the color.
  5. What inspired you to name your 50-ft. sail boat “Sea Nymph”?
  6. What is your obsession with glow sticks all about?
  7. Will you go to sea again?
  8. Why didn’t y’all bring a camera? Or cell phones? And again toothbrushes?!?
  9. If you’re telling the truth, for real, why didn’t you use the Emergency Beacon? But really, Why?

And now for my theories on what ACTUALLY happened:

  1. The wonder of Sharknado has struck in the Pacific.
  2. Pacific Lesbian Fun Cruise gone awry in the form of:
  • Infidelity… Passion murder… Cover up
  • Abuse of psychedelic drugs… Accidental death… Cover up
  • Actually getting stranded… Cannibalism… Cover up
  • Argument about “Lip-stick Lesbians” … Murder… Cover up
  1. Actually made the trip but made up the story in an attempt to get a book/movie deal or become famous
  2. They’re mercenaries and they killed someone out there and made up this elaborate story to cover that up
  3. Killed a rich relative out there to get their fortune
  4. They are North Korean spies
  5. Failed attempt at smuggling any of the following: Dogs, flannel, fanny pack, drugs, Indigo Girls memorabilia, unreleased episodes of Orange is the New Black, corduroy pants
  6. And the least likely, women being bad at sailing

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Listen, if these women actually set sail for Tahiti in May and everything they said is true then they are pretty dope ladies. Although I love the ocean, I don’t imagine I would have lasted any longer than 3 weeks in the same situation. I would have selfishly eaten everything I brought in the first week, hallucinated more food in the ocean and been bitten by a shark trying to retrieve it, pity murdered my dogs because I ate all the food and wouldn’t want them to suffer by starvation, fell into a spiraling depression because of loneliness and remorse for being the reason for my dogs deaths, and succumbed to my shark bite injuries, meeting death just at the moment I remembered about the Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon that I drained the battery on trying to connect it to my phone somehow to Tweet: “Sailing is easy, “sea” yall in Tahiti! #ifyoullpardonthepun #itsamansworld #becauseoftheimplications #imonaboat #prestigeworldwide #betterslowdownontheuncrustables” on day 2, and using my last breath to let out a muffled laugh, thinking about Always Sunny and the episode titled; “The Gang Buys a Boat” … But DAMN IT I will pack a toothbrush!

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Build Trust, Listen, and Learn.

One thing that has always intrigued me is the way people interact with each other. I probably should have been an anthropologist or psychiatrist or something because i spend too much time thinking about that kind of stuff. I’ve noticed in my line of work the importance of building rapport and having trusting relationships with the people i see in the streets. I think its important for everyone to have good, trusting relationships regardless of their work.

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If you take one thing from this blog let it be this; always practice open honest communication with everyone in your life. I know what you’re thinking, there are some things you can keep to yourself. Wrong. Especially in a situation where you’re starting a relationship, whether it be a business, personal, or just a friendship you need to go in with honesty. Make it your duty to make sure that the person knows with clarity and confidence what your intentions are and what you are trying to accomplish. Without them knowing what you want you start off behind. One way people make mistakes is being friends with or starting a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons. In a business setting it’s obvious that there are some times where one side will benefit more than the other, that’s going to happen. As long as both parties are aware of intentions it can be a healthy and trusting relationship that could grow and benefit both sides. People often choose influence or power to start building a relationship, talking about themselves and building up their brand or lifestyle to provide worth. This will do nothing for you, an intuitive person will sniff you out immediately. It may take a while for others but they will eventually realize that you’re using influence and feeding your ego and decide they don’t want anything to do with you or your plan. Try inspiration and facts for long term emotional trust instead of influence and opinion for a short lived positive emotion.

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I know because my wife-to-be told me, You need to be a better listener. Many people will laugh and say this is an obvious thing to do but you would be surprised just how many people are actually listening.  Truly listening to someone involves 2/3 shutting the hell up and 1/3 validation. It is instinctual to immediately have an opinion or statement pop into your head the second someone says something to you. Keep these opinions to yourself unless asked for them, especially if it sheds a negative light on what they said. Instead, ask yourself questions about why you think a certain way and make statements that build on their ideas instead of breaking them down. I realize that sometimes you will disagree with an idea someone has, but instead of immediately showing that disagreement try to understand how they came to that conclusion. Validating someone’s ideas does not mean you agree but it is more like seeking to understand their context to better understand their reasoning and help you with communicating and interacting with them. Try to build habits with listening, scrutinize every interaction you have with people and work off of your experience. In the army after a mission or action we had a thing called an AAR (after action review). It was a structured de-brief where we analyzed what happened, why, and how it can improve next time. Give yourself 3 points to sustain and 3 points to improve to better build your muscle memory to become a better listener. I know it seems like a lot of trouble to just become a better listener but it will improve your relationships tenfold. You can go as far as having labels and meanings for your plans of interaction with people, writing down things repetitively helps as well.

 

Ask positive learning questions. What i mean by this is when you’re interacting with someone you can tell by body language and general mood whether you’re getting anywhere with someone. If you’ve somehow been derailed in conversation and can tell that it is going nowhere fast, reorganize and bring it back to them. Ask questions that are centered around them instead of yourself. People are wired to want to feel valued and affiliated with meaningful groups. If you’ve proven trust and listened then you are a meaningful person to them so feeding that hard wire, by asking specific questions, will bring them back to you. Ask them how they came to a conclusion, or what life experience made them think the way they do. Some people tend to avoid personal conversation in a professional environment, which is understandable, it makes people uncomfortable. Instead, ask someone what they value most or what they consider themselves an expert at. This not only makes people feel valued but is a general topic that comes off as altruistic allowing them to be individualistic. It may seem like you’re being manipulative but it is beneficial for both parties. When you ask someone about their values and life it helps you better understand them. And as long as your agenda is pure and you’ve established your intentions, both parties can know that they are in a trusting atmosphere. The goal here is to make yourself an available asset for the success of everyone, including yourself, by establishing trust, listening, and asking questions to better discover someones context and help them meet their goals while accomplishing your own with solid relationships.

 

Lastly, Be Patient. Not everyone is an open book, and being respectful of peoples boundaries is a good way to build trust. Honoring someones decision to be private and not interact with you betters your chance of creating a relationship with them in the future. They will remember that you were respectful. Giving people the choice to trust or interact with you empowers them in a way, and that is helpful for you and for them. Patience IS a virtue but action and perseverance is a burden. Depending on the type of relationship and the context, patience may not be an option, but its all dependent on your circumstances. People are different, so always make sure your intentions are pure and you aren’t guided by ill-will, and things should work out well.

 

As this world gets more and more difficult to maneuver, socially and professionally, keep in mind that people, your fellow human beings, are important. You need people to achieve goals, and being a resource for someones prosperity means; building trust, listening and learning, to forge a reliable network of contacts to be successful in any aspect of life.