I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I daydream about breaking a cartoon monkey upon the wheel.
Curious George is become Death, destroyer of worlds.
This time he was left at home by himself all day.
He made a mess. He dumped out the potted plant. He chopped up all the magazines in the house in order to make chains of paper monkeys. There was confetti and potting soil and garbage everywhere. The Man in the Yellow Hat (MYH) came home from a long day of drawing stupid pictures or giving speeches or torturing dogs or whatever.
He brought with him five valuable stamps, and patiently explained to George that there were indeed five of them, and he had to give them to Mr. Stamp. Then he notices the mess, and decides today is a perfect day to teach George to use a vacuum.
Three guesses as to wtf Curious George will do with this newfound knowledge.
But the makers of Curious George won’t let us off this easily. It is no fun snatching hope from the hopeless. For one brief moment, we are led to believe Curious George WON’T do what we all know he will do.
Curious George is too short to operate the vacuum. He cannot clean up the mess. He cannot destroy Mr. Stamps’s stamps. Dare we hope for peace? Will MYH finally take responsibility and clean up after his pet?
No. Right before he leaves on some meaningless errand, MYH gives Curious George a Dustbuster, which he calls a “monkey-sized vacuum.”
The stamps are the first to go, after which Curious George ingests LSD.
Maybe not, but I can think of no other reason why Curious George begins to vividly hallucinate and run out into traffic. Wearing a cape, and calling himself a superhero.
George thinks he will save the city by vacuuming things. He sucks up the birdseed a lady is scattering for the pigeons. The pigeons swear revenge.
MYH, meanwhile, learns that the stamps are gone. His frantic search for George and the Dustbuster leads to the best dialogue I have yet discovered:
MYH: Hey lady, have you seen a monkey with a vacuum?
Lady: Was he wearing a cape?
Ponder this, my faithful readers. The lady seeks clarification. Was it the cape-wearing monkey, or was it one of the other monkeys with vacuums she saw today?
Then a random guy shows up and yells “Help! A monkey just sucked up my winning lottery ticket!”
Winning lottery ticket. Sucked up by a monkey.
Words cannot adequately express the horrible shit I would do to a monkey that sucked up my winning lottery ticket. I would keep him alive for weeks, doing things that, translated into cuneiform, would make even the ancient Persians vomit on their sandals. I would know every noise a monkey’s shattered vocal cords could whimper, and I would replay them all through Peavey speakers every Christmas.
But I do not have a winning lottery ticket. And I do not exist in the Curious George universe.
And so, just as George is about to empty the vacuum bag in a construction site dumpster, MYH catches him. Stamps, birdseed and lottery ticket are saved.
No one knows what happens next. By the next episode, none of it ever happened.
-Professor Zac Showers