If you haven’t heard about this story yet I’ll give you the rundown; 2 Women, Jennifer Appel & Tasha Fuiava, Left Hawaii in May for a 2,600-mile trip to Tahiti in their 50-ft. sail boat named “Sea Nymph”. They were rescued by the Navy the other day, 5 months later, 900 miles off the coast of Japan and 5,000 miles from Tahiti. During their journey the two claimed to have endured 3 major storms, 2 attacks from groups of tiger sharks, and lost function of their motor and normal radio communications. Pictured below are the women, pictured above is a rough diagram of the trip they made.
Now you might be saying to yourself, “What a harrowing adventure! The grit and determination of these two ladies is noteworthy and I’m so glad that they made it out alive!”. Well I’m saying, “Lemme ponder the many variations of what actually happened because I am bored, and this story seems fishy” (if you’ll pardon the pun).
First, I’ll give you a breakdown of what I think these women look like. Jennifer Appel looks like if Carrot Top and Willem Dafoe had a child and that child decided to compete on the TV show Survivor. Tasha Fuiava looks like Queen Latifah with a hangover. Although I don’t actually know the nature of their relationship, I would assume because of their appearance and mannerisms in the video ( click here for video ) of them thanking the Navy, Tasha & Jennifer are familiar with The Game of Flats together in a romantic way. They also had two dogs aboard the boat named Zeus and Valentine, not relevant but cool dog names.
Initially when they were interviewed about being lost at sea, they said that it was “hopeless and depressing” and on many occasions during the 5 months thought they would die saying, “…there is true humility to wondering if this is your last day or night…”. After further questioning by the Coast Guard and many media affiliates they changed their story stating, “…we never truly felt distressed…” when asked why they did not use their Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon. Take it away Aretha.
The women also said that within the first few days at sea, they were met by a fierce storm responsible for most of the issues with the vessel. Which was proved false by the NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE. Yeah, that loud annoying voice that comes on cable television when inclement weather is present, rendering the dialog of your show unintelligible and spiking your heart rate from the volume and alarm of the notification, even though you can clearly see the weather outside and it’s been like this for 2 hours. I imagine that they might know what they’re talking about.
The Coast Guard may be the inferior branch of The United States Military, wishing it was more like its flamboyant sister branch, The Navy, but it was key in exposing these women for the frauds they are. A modern day “Deepthroat” some are saying (if you’ll pardon the pun). In June, after they claimed to have their radio communications wiped out by the ghost storm, Coast Guard officials contacted the Sea Nymph near Tahiti and records show that our heroic females stated they were A-Okay. Our sea women claimed to have left detailed plans and an itinerary with friends and family of the trip after they meticulously mapped it out. Coast Guard comes back with another slam dunk releasing a statement saying the women, by their own admission, told no one about the trip.
Other than Discovery Channels Shark Week and Sponge Bob Square Pants, I have no knowledge on sharks or the sea but my dude, George Burgess (the director emeritus of the Florida Program for Shark Research at the Florida Museum of Natural History) is for sure at least familiar with sharks and stuff. Ole Jen stated that on two separate occasions while stranded that they were vetted, stalked, and attacked by tiger sharks. She said that five 30-foot tiger sharks coordinated an attack, “ramming” their boat and slapping it with their tails, to teach two other smaller sharks in the water how to hunt. All of which lasted for 6 hours.
Confirmed by our man George, those were all fabrications. “It sounds like something a 4-year-old would tell you,” he said. “No. No, no and no and no. There’s not an iota of accuracy relative to our knowledge of the tiger shark in any of that.” Tiger sharks are not social, do not teach their young in that way and have never been known to grow that large, he said. When asked, Mr. Burgess added that it was also unlikely that the women were describing another type of shark. “The only one that fits that pattern was the star of the movie ‘Jaws,’” he said. My boy George with the BURN. Comparing their story to the tall tales of 4-year-olds AND referencing Jaws… Man, what a hero.
Questions & statements I have for these women after reading all the news stories and watching random videos of them talking:
- The fact that they didn’t pack toothbrushes for a 2,600-mile trip at sea is not only questionable but deserves a punishment of life in prison.
- Why is Jennifer not more sunburnt? You would think after 5 months on the sea with the sun reflecting off the ocean that she would be all red like a strawbrary.
- Jennifer said in a video that she was surprised by the Navy’s performance in a foreign situation. THAT IS WHAT THE NAVY DOES LADY NOTHING ABOUT THAT SITUATION WAS FOREIGN TO THE NAVY.
- Were the pink Crocs yours or given to you by the Navy? Because the Navy issuing PINK Crocs would make sense. Respect for the brand, a big ole NOPE for the color.
- What inspired you to name your 50-ft. sail boat “Sea Nymph”?
- What is your obsession with glow sticks all about?
- Will you go to sea again?
- Why didn’t y’all bring a camera? Or cell phones? And again toothbrushes?!?
- If you’re telling the truth, for real, why didn’t you use the Emergency Beacon? But really, Why?
And now for my theories on what ACTUALLY happened:
- The wonder of Sharknado has struck in the Pacific.
- Pacific Lesbian Fun Cruise gone awry in the form of:
- Infidelity… Passion murder… Cover up
- Abuse of psychedelic drugs… Accidental death… Cover up
- Actually getting stranded… Cannibalism… Cover up
- Argument about “Lip-stick Lesbians” … Murder… Cover up
- Actually made the trip but made up the story in an attempt to get a book/movie deal or become famous
- They’re mercenaries and they killed someone out there and made up this elaborate story to cover that up
- Killed a rich relative out there to get their fortune
- They are North Korean spies
- Failed attempt at smuggling any of the following: Dogs, flannel, fanny pack, drugs, Indigo Girls memorabilia, unreleased episodes of Orange is the New Black, corduroy pants
- And the least likely, women being bad at sailing
Listen, if these women actually set sail for Tahiti in May and everything they said is true then they are pretty dope ladies. Although I love the ocean, I don’t imagine I would have lasted any longer than 3 weeks in the same situation. I would have selfishly eaten everything I brought in the first week, hallucinated more food in the ocean and been bitten by a shark trying to retrieve it, pity murdered my dogs because I ate all the food and wouldn’t want them to suffer by starvation, fell into a spiraling depression because of loneliness and remorse for being the reason for my dogs deaths, and succumbed to my shark bite injuries, meeting death just at the moment I remembered about the Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon that I drained the battery on trying to connect it to my phone somehow to Tweet: “Sailing is easy, “sea” yall in Tahiti! #ifyoullpardonthepun #itsamansworld #becauseoftheimplications #imonaboat #prestigeworldwide #betterslowdownontheuncrustables” on day 2, and using my last breath to let out a muffled laugh, thinking about Always Sunny and the episode titled; “The Gang Buys a Boat” … But DAMN IT I will pack a toothbrush!